wishing she was with you

As I have not written in some time, I feel it is my duty as a young traveler to update those who care on my life and such thus far since the last post. Nothing much has happened since the jam packed weekend of the 18th. Well thats a lie, I have not done much but much has happened. As you no doubt read and saw on all the news's (correct word? doubt it but moving on) the 33 miners were rescued the other day. it really was incredible watching them come up one by one.  I, however, (dont tell) did not stay awake for the entire thirty some odd hour rescue.. I enjoy sleep. alittle bit more than ever here in Chile which is strange, but lets not get off task. The miners: all of chile was waiting for this since August when the mine collapsed and then later the pocket containing them was discovered.  One of the people in my pension even deemed it respectable to fast for the miners, 33 days, one for each miner.... only the fast was just for lunches... and he sometimes ate lunches so he had to start over... but his intentions were very nice, hes not even a large guy so it wasn't a copout excuse for anorexia. 
At the same time as all the hype about the miners was going on, there was a hunger strike for the Mapuche (the indigenous group of chile). They are fighting for better rights and such, I wont bore you with a contemporary history lesson, you can google it, or check out wikipedia but lets just say theyve been treated much like the native americans, and in some cases worse (so i am told and have read). muy triste, (very sad). But just as the news stations did, we shall overshadow that movement with talk about Chile and its unity after such disasters as the collapsed mine and the earthquake earlier this year.  It really was an incredible warming experience to be apart of, almost wishing I was apart of Chile too....
Speaking of which, i feel it is my duty to be honest. So before I even began choosing a place to go for my semester abroad (otherwise known as the 5 month long vacation) I was told by all those who had spent a semester in another country how amazing the experience is and how memorable, that they wish they could go back, how they had a family and the best of friends during their time.  I was shown pictures of my friends and guides of their weekend excursions, cleverly holding up the leaning tower of pisa or climbing a mountain or swimming in the ocean and I could not wait to experience all these amazing scenes for myself... When I began looking where I wanted to set up these amazing pictures, I had just gotten back from a 2 week trip around Panama and Costa Rica with some of my closest friends. We had the most fun, and although it was a very structured 'educational' trip, i loved every minute of it. Most of my close friends were also planning a trip abroad and as most of us are Spanish majors, Spain was the choice place to visit. But I, in an (for lack of a better adjective) angsty mood, desperate to 'strike out on my own' (as it had so well worked for me when I chose to go to Bryant because no one I knew in high school would ever go to a conservative business school like it) I decided I could never go to spain, I needed to have my own experience, I was selfish, wanting to have unique photos. So, luckily Spanish has an entire continent and some change of countries to choose from... after all, Id had a blast in Panama and Costa Rica? I tried to find a program for Panama, but unfortunatley Bryant does not support Programs there.  And although I liked costa rica, I felt Id seen that and began to look alittle further south. I knew Venezuela, Columbia and Bolivia were out soley for safety concerns expressed by parents and people of the sort, Peru is cool, but isnt that just all farms? Argentina is festive, but they have that weird jjyave accent..... Brazil? oh wait thats not spanish... hmmm what about Chile? I mean I love Pablo Neruda, after being introduced to him by my spanish teacher in Highschool for the poetry recitation competitions I loved his work... and my finance professor was from Chile and he was always talking such amazing things about it.. so i did a minimal amount of research, discovered I could ski the andes and swim in the pacific ocean within the same week if I wanted... I was sold. It only solidified my decision when I asked around where everyone else was studying abroad and no one had chosen "my" country. WIN! .....right?
Well I have since been thinking about that state of mind.  I am very much a person who loves new experiences and being on her own. I am afterall an only child (1) and the daughter of my mother (2).... explains alot.. but after spending these past 3 months on my own in Chile, I have come to find I am not having the experience I had hoped for, while I am on my own having my own personal experience and I have met some amazing people that I will be sad to see go, I see no reason holding me to chile the way it has been explained to me that a semester abroad clings to you after you return home.  Afterall, the friends I have made here are gringos (from the states- mostly) which means when I go back they do too, so its not that great of a loss. I feel no love within my host family, with the exception of my amazing house keeper (but really more than that) Rita, she has made me love Chile more than any person experience or photo I have taken here.  She will be the reason I will be sad to leave.
I write this as a cautionary tale, for those of you who might choose blindly their time abroad.  Had I done the right research (I didnt even read the handbook of the program before coming) before committing I might have chosen differently.  I do not regret my choice, it has helped me come closer to finding myself and finding who I am and who I want to be. I have enjoyed much of my time here and it really is a beautiful place that one day I hope to come back and explore, possibly when I have more spendable money so I can travel throughout more than just the surrounding areas of Valparaiso and Vina del Mar. 
I suppose I began to realize these thoughts growing and manifesting in my behavior. I found myself reminiscing about the university I couldnt wait to get away from for a semester, I realized my only activities were to get ice cream and to go out at night, I saw myself spending more and more time alone. Although I have always enjoyed my alone time, it has never been this much before.  I find myself walking along the boardwalk for hours just thinking and wondering how long is left.  It was when I noticed that thought in my head that there was something wrong and that I needed to find something better to do with my time than to count down the minutes (53 days 3 hours and 56 minutes...) but that is a terrible way to spend time. So I made a conscious decision to enjoy the rest of my time here... until I looked at my next months calender and realized its final exam time and every week I have a test from here on out while I manage to fit in a 10+ page paper on god knows what for my history class.
I think (and this is about to get psychoanalyzing in this joint so take a step back) the reason I have not found the happiness I saw in those pictures I saw of previous study abroad students is that I have not allowed myself to develop a life here.  Knowing one has an expiration date makes it difficult to make any real relationships. I have my gringo friends as I mentioned and they are amazing people I am lucky to have met, but I feel many times when I meet a Chilean they are hesitant to be my friend. They have seen so many gringos come and go that they understand I am not here for long, so why invest the time to become friends? I have let this be my credo and it is unfortunate.  Rather than living in the moment as I came here to do, I have been listening to the ticking clock countdown to when I must end my life here and jump back in the one that kept going with out me in the states.  It is difficult but I hope to overcome this, I really do not wish to resent my time here, Valparaiso is a beautiful city and its people (most) are wonderful and warm.  From here on out I refuse to check the expiration date when I make a new friend. As I am being reminded in almost all of my classes, it is a globalized flattened world we live in, with phones, facebook and email, the thousands of miles dont seem like much.... except when you really want that hug from mama bear.... ahem anyway, with the new spring I am refreshed on my view of Chile and my time (life?) here.
I hope you the reader do not take this as a woe is me post but more of a realization. An acknowledgment of a mistake, an acceptance of the consequences and making lemonade out of the proverbial lemonade. My time here has not been wasted and I will come home a refreshed (tanned as it is spring here :P) reevaluated young person, not quite ready to start life yet, but hey thats still a year and a half off, lets not rush things. 
What I am trying to say is I miss all of you at home greatly and can barely stand a second when I am not surrounded by the warmth of your love and able to appreciate you all for the amazing friends and family you have all been to me. I truly am blessed to have you in my life.
love casey j. <3

a screen shot of the live feed I was getting on my laptop

my practice has gone alittle down hill after not doing much yoga here.. whoops

some friends and i posing for a "hipster" shot

I got to go back to Horcon <3

Finally swam in the pacific, only kind of freezing.. similar to maine.

my future house. in Zapallar Chile

at the human rights and history museum in Santiago, really impressive

no mas peanut butter!? oh wait, I have another jar.. yay!

street of my future house haha!